If you must mourn
by Wholocked Merlin
Summary: Bill finds the diary of Clara Oswald on the TARDIS, she finds herself reading it and the crying over the life of her predecessor. She then questions the Doctor about the fantastic impossible girl... (Slight whouffaldi.)
**Wrote this after listening to _'You'_ by Keaton henson.**

Bill had always been mischievous when it came to new places, the TARDIS was infinite and the girl didn't have all her life, but when the Doctor disappeared into

Bill had always been mischievous when it came to new places, the TARDIS was infinite and the girl didn't have all her life, but when the Doctor disappeared into the space underneath the console – she was running off in the opposite direction. Most of Bill's predecessors preferred the life outside the ships ten by fifty-six foot door, but Bill was the rare one, who loved to spend time with the ship and the ship, luckily loved spending time with her. As soon as the Doctor left her alone and she was in the clear, Bill let herself loose into the TARDIS's corridors, she went from room to room to try and find something that interested her.

It felt like forever when she found a bedroom door, there was a wooden sign hung on the handle, the sign stated: _"Clara Oswald. Doctor please can you stop waking me up!"_ Bill laughed and clicked the handle down.

She took a deep intake of breath and looked in awe at the beauty of the bedroom: the walls were blood red and had elegant drawings of autumn leaves all around, there was a king-sized bed presented on a piece of wood in the centre and one wall was completely coated with pictures. There was a pile of unmarked English books on one side of the bed, the cover was on the floor and there were clothes everywhere, Bill bet that Clara Oswald wouldn't know what was washed or dirty. The companion then noticed something, this bedroom was left like this, Clara had left it like this because she thought she was coming back. This wasn't a packed up room, this was a mess, meaning the woman practically lived there. "Where is she?" Bill asked the machine, the TARDIS hummed sadly like she was too upset to think about it, "That bad."

Bill trailed around picking things up and placing them into small piles, she then came across a diary. _Answers_ , she thought. She gently picked it up and flicked open the first page, she then sat down on the edge of the bed and started to read the life story of Clara Oswald. She could have been there for a decade, time moved weirdly in the TARDIS and when she started to reach the story of Ashildr, her eyes were too full of tears and she was too tired to even think about what she was reading. She got onto the last page of writing, all she could think about was Danny and how Clara truly felt about the Doctor, she hoped the girl had told him. The last chapter was about the God Morpheus and it then ended quite suddenly.

"Bill!" The Doctor's voice called. "Where are you?"

Bill stood up and clutched the book close to her chest, "Here." She walked down to the console room; the Doctor studied her and then looked at the book, "I found this, in Clara Oswald's room." She said holding to book up; she watched as the Doctor shifted uncomfortably, "What happened to her?"

"She died." The Doctor answered back turning around.

"Just like that?" Bill asked wiping tears out of her eyes.

"It's complicated, I was emotional and stupid, I made a mistake." He said turning around, "But the past is the past."

"No it ain't, what did you do?" Bill snapped, the Doctor wiped his face with his hands, "You hurt her a lot and I think she loved you...she deserves this conversation between her friend and her _replacement!_ "

"No! You are not a replacement, okay?" The Doctor spat, Bill nodded, she held the book a little closer.

"To be honest it's a blur: she died, I was stuck somewhere, I bargained for her return, I got her back but it backfired, I couldn't save her life. I think she got more life then her death suggests, but she still died that day – it's bemusing!" The Doctor exclaimed, "I don't remember most of it." A tear dropped down his cheek, Bill took in a sharp breath and stepped forward, "Put the book back, please." She nodded and slowly trailed back up the stairs.

"Doctor?" Bill called, one more question – _typical Bill._

"Yes." He said looking up at her, she span and made eye contact with him.

"What was Clara like?" Bill asked, she watched as the Doctor closed his eyes and thought long and hard about what he was going to say.

"She was brave," the Doctor started, he combed his unruly grey hair with his hand, "she was confident," he added next, he smiled sadly, he bit his bottom lip and then cried out, "she was loving." Bill placed the book down with care and charged into his arms, "She had good hugs too." He muttered, she laughed and pulled herself away. The Doctor wiped the tears out of his eyes and he let out a deep breath.

"What did she look like?" Bill questioned.

The Doctor sighed, "I have no idea."

"What?" She choked out.

"She wiped memory, it was meant to be the other way round, but I forgot parts of her and I just don't remember what she looked like." He bit his bottom lip harder, "I wish I could, trust me I do."

"That's what happens innit, we become shadows to you?" Bill asked rhetorically.

"It doesn't mean that I don't love every one of my companions." He told her, "That's why compassion is my weakness."

Bill jogged up and took hold of the book, she then ran back to him, she held it out and he backed away, "It's not going to kill you, you should read it, all of it and remember her." She smirked, "I think you need that."

"Why?" He questioned.

"Cause I think you loved her more than you think."

 **THE END**


End file.
